… I’m working on it

I am absolutely terrified of writing this post.

Actually, I’m even more terrified of publishing it. As long as there aren’t any posts, the blog is just an experiment. Full of potential awesomeness, but with no actual responsibility to make the blog awesome.

The second there’s a post, on the other hand, there’s no going back. I’ve got a blog. I have to take care of it. And the awesome potential of the blog will inevitably change into me falling flat on my face in some embarrassing manner. Granted, my life is filled with moments where I fall flat on my face, or walk into walls. But see, usually when I walk straight into a wall, there’s only one or two people around to witness it. The internet, on the other hand…

I’ve heard there’s more than one or two people around here.

In fact, thousands upon thousands of people can see a blog post. Can watch me, barreling face-first into cold, hard concrete.

By the way, some of you may think I’m being metaphorical with this “walking into a wall” thing. I’m not. It’s happened. More than once.

And yes, I’m fully aware that I have no readers right now (hi, Mom!). And I might never have readers. But still. Someday, someone could dig up the archives of the blog and discover my walking straight into a wall, and use it to torment me forever. It could happen. Being paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not trying to kill you.

So in order to avoid this potential embarrassment, I’ve been getting prepared. I keep “find material for posts” or “working on my writing” or “finding the right photo” or “making the background colors pretty” (are the background colors not pretty? Is the photo not awesome?). I tell myself that I’ll be ready to post when everything is perfect. When I’m truly ready.

But at this point, it’s been over a year since I decided to start a blog – and over three months since I registered this domain. And I’m getting suspicious that this whole “when everything is perfect” thing is just me making an excuse. The truth is, as long as I don’t start the blog – as long as I’m “getting ready” – I can’t fail at the blog.

I know myself pretty well (hey, it’s been over two decades). I know that very good at letting my fear of failure stop me from doing the things I want to do.

But not this time.

This time, I have decided that enough is enough. I refuse to sit around moping about my lack of blog for one more day. Darn it, I want a blog, and I’m going to have one! And I want a piece of chocolate, and I’m going to… not have one, since I have no chocolate in the house. That’s not the point, though.

Here’s the point: I can have an awesome blog. If I write said awesome blog.

So now I’m writing the awesome blog.

Plus, as I keep telling myself, I’ve got tons of good reasons for starting a blog. For one thing, I cannot let another awards announcement go by without whipping up a giant blog post dissecting the nominees.

Sure, that reason’s pretty petty. But I’ve got other reasons. Tons of other reasons:

6. I read blogs. People with blogs are awesome. Maybe if I start a blog, I can be awesome too! (stop laughing)

5. I have a lot of random obsessions. I have been known to harass friends on such diverse topics as American Idol, the Hugo Nominations, Sigmund Freud, the West Wing and the attraction of Icepunk. In the same day.

4. Maybe if I have a place where I can write about my random obsessions, I’ll stop harassing my poor friends on the state of science fiction today, and why American Idol is fascinating as a sociological study, and why N.K Jemisin deserves all the awards.  Instead, I’ll harass the internet. Frankly, my friends could use a break. And I could use a chance to keep my friends. Because they’re pretty incredible.(Except for the one who will inevitably betray me by digging up my blog archives to find embarrassing information. But we’re not thinking about them right now.)

3. I’m afraid of people. But the internet doesn’t have any people: the internet only has trolls. Which are a non-human life form. Since I only have social anxiety around people, the internet will be a breeze! Trolls can’t possibly be as a nerve-wracking as humans!  Right? Right?

2. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I’m convinced that it is in fact possible to read everything on the planet, while also watching every movie and TV show in existence, and doing my homework, and sleeping. Watching me flail around trying to accomplish these goals is bound to be amusing (hey, I walk into walls). And I’d like to think my pain was serving a purpose.

1. I enjoy writing. Correction: I enjoy writing things for which I am not graded. The internet does not grade. If this is not true, tell me now so I can frantically correct all my comma splices.

And the most important reason?  My mother told me to.

It’s a long story, but she did. Three years ago. Took me two years to decide she was right (Hi Mom!). And I hate it when she’s right. But still, I can’t let my pride get in the way of doing the right thing.

And there, my devoted readers (hey, if you’ve put up with the blog post so far, you’re pretty devoted), are all my reasons for starting a blog.

And now I’m done.

Wow.

Indulge me for a moment. So, I’ve got lots of problems (other than the walking into walls thing). I’ve got stacks of homework that would make Hermione Granger want to cry. I’ve got enough migraines to be a walking advertisement for Excedrin. I’ve got projects I haven’t started, rooms I haven’t cleaned, friends I haven’t written to. I can’t solve all my problems in one night. But tonight, I conquered one giant goal of doom.

I started my blog.

WHOO HOO!

This is me right now (except without the smoking).

That’s right. Starbuck. You know why? Because the blog: Unfracked.

Now if you don’t mind, I have an appointment with a bar of chocolate I need to keep -

Oh, wait.

I forgot to buy the chocolate, didn’t I?

Well, can’t win every time.

Yet.

I’m working on it.


One Comment on “… I’m working on it”

  1. Mom says:

    Awesome!
    Signed: Your Mom.


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