To My Future Russian Bride

[content note for a particularly heavy dose of sarcasm]

Dear Future Russian Bride,

I have been compelled to climb out of my cave of ugly-feminist-man-hating-anger ( decorated with the blood of the patriarchs) to write you this letter of love. Yea, for I have discovered that you shall soon come into my life (for the small small fee of $19.99 a month), and that has filled me with true happiness.

Let me begin at the beginning.

For years, I would go to dubiously-legal websites to watch TV shows and movies. Those were the dark years – the college years – when I was lonely and sad, and you (my future bride) were not yet in my life.

Yes, I saw the sidebars of those webpages, with those scantily-clad young ladies peering at me, but never once did I suspect that you – oh, glorious you (my future bride) – were hidden among them. I thought all these (beautiful) scantily-clad young ladies were a dream – a myth – for yea, I did grow up in a land full of super-feminist (and therefore ugly) women.” And these super-feminists and ugly women brainwashed me so that I thought all ladies looked like ugly toads rather than beautiful, scantily-clad angels.

Toads and Feminists

All Feminists Look EXACTLY like this. Except uglier.*

Adrianna Lima

I imagine that you, my future bride, look much like this woman (who is clearly NOT a feminist. Note the un-toadlike features).

But then, one day, a friend of mine was surfing on one of these dubiously-legal websites, and she had the courage to click on the picture of one of these scantily-clad angels (oh, how many thanks I must give to this brave, brave friend).

And that’s when I discovered the great truth. That’s when I learned that there were hundreds – nay, thousands – of scantily-clad, loyal, and never-aging Eastern European women who desperately wished to become my bride! And you were among them, my future wife!

I shall now reprint the advertisement that alerted me to your existence:

“If you are tired of pursuing the typical MTV educated, super feminist and ugly women you see every day, we might have the solution for you if you dare to read on…
Did you know Eastern European women were raised to aggressively pursue Western Men? Also, did you know Eastern European women look like they never age? Thanks to their partially asian genes, a girl will look like she’s in her 20s for a long time to come. In addition to being beautiful and loving to please their men, they also are incredibly loyal. A Russian woman will never leave you and make sure there’s always food on the table. It’s because they grew up to do the cooking, cleaning, and simply take care of their man. As long as you treat them with respect, they will stick with you through thick and thin. Sign up for FREE (limited time only) and meet tons of hot and loyal russian women”**

What joy there is here! What truth! Oh, brave truth, that is hidden in these poorly written and appallingly-grammared sentences. How perfectly the advertisement captures the reality of all thee women in the west, who, thanks to their MTV education, have become “super-feminists” (I assume that by MTV they mean “Margaret Sanger, Sojourner Truth and Vixens and Virgins for Feminism***” TV, correct?)

Can’t we get the channels that teach women to aggressively pursue men and to then attach to them? Where is the wonderful eastern programming that makes women grow and blossom into a wonderfully loyal super-cook? Why are mothers and fathers not teaching young girls to grab their men and never, ever, ever let them go (much in the manner of a giant octopus)?

Kraken and feminist

Do you resemble this beautifully loyal creature, oh future Russian bride?

And thank the gods above that Easterners have discovered the magic power of the “Asian” gene. Yes, now I realize why Russian women look so hot. They have just enough Asian DNA to never, ever become old – because, as we all know, all Asians are secretly robots which explains why they never age – but they don’t have enough Asian DNA to actually look Asian. They’re still white enough to look, you know, attractive. After all, I wouldn’t want our future neighbors to think I have an Asian fetish, oh future bride. But a little bit of exotic seasoning (and oriental submission) is just the thing to spice up our relationship!

I cannot tell you, oh future bride, how happy I am to have found this beautiful advertisement. My future, which once seemed so bleak, is now so bright. I no longer need to fear that I shall have to settle for a western-style, ugly-feminist for my bride. Instead, I see myself coming home to you, my gorgeous partially-Asian (but not too-much) wife. I see the wonderful food you have prepared for me, thanks to your years of Eastern training. I see you aggressively pursuing me (to feed me with these glorious foodstuffs). I see the way you wrap yourself around me loyally.**** And I see –

But wait! What is this I see?

“Eastern women were raised to aggressively pursue Western MEN

Oh God! Oh Horror! Oh Infamy! Oh Hellfire of Toads! Oh the Great Black Darkness that Has Settled Over My Heart!

My future bride! Can this be true? Because I do not possess a Y chromosome, you do not love me? Because I do not possess a Y chromosome, you shall not gift me with your loyalty and your wonderful cooking? Have you not heard that Our Great American President has decreed that men may marry men and women (like me) may marry other women (like you, oh my future bride)?

Michelle Obama Dance

Speaking of Marriage Equality, my future bride: HURRAH! Let the dancing commence!

But yea, I know what you will say to me. Even if we may marry, you were raised to attach to a western MAN. And I am no man.*****
Well, I suppose that’s fair, oh future bride. And though I am greatly disappointment, I am sure there are other options for me. After all, the internet is the great equalizer, is it not? What is available to western men shall therefore be available to me (albeit somewhere else)? I will simply go to other dubiously-legal websites, where I am certain I will find advertisements for scantily-clad women (and men) who were raised to attach themselves to ugly western feminist women like me. After all, they must exist, correct? I will go find those advertisements immediately!

… Oh future bride! My horror increases! The darkness of my heart is unparalleled! For after surfing hundreds upon hundreds of dubiously legal TV-watching websites I have discovered… there are NO advertisements that are aimed towards me. Where are the advertisements for never-aging, hot Russian men who will do my cooking and cleaning? Or the hot Russian women who reserves all their deep loyalty for ugly western feminists?

I must tell you, my future bride, my disappointment cannot be calculated at this moment. When I was young, I was told: the internet is the great equalizer. It shall level all differences between peoples. But here I see the truth. These advertisements, which promise hot people, are not aimed equally. They are only for (straight) western men. Where are those advertisements for gay western men? Or lesbian western women? Or straight western women? Or people of non-western origin? And now that I think of it… Who are (straight) Russian Men going to marry? And who will male Pandas have sex with?

All my life, I have been told that I, a woman, am in every way equal to a man. But this is a lie! A lie! Or else the internet would bend over to deliver hotness to me, just as it bends over to deliver hotness to my fellow man. Where is my hotness? Where are the dubiously-legal advertisements to satisfy me?

I have been completely disillusioned, oh my (no longer future) bride. I have realized that, far from being “the great equalizer,” the internet is just as riddled with misogyny and racism and heterosexism and western-obsession as the rest of the world. I, who was so joyful that my existence as an ugly western feminist might be lightened by your presence, am plunged into an even greater misery than before.

In the wake of this horrifying discovery, there is only one thing that can relieve my suffering…Oh, my no longer future bride! Will you not marry me anyways? We can run away to Canada! We can run away to France! I will pay the low, low fee of $19.99 a month in order to speak to you through the internet! I am willing to overlook my straightness if you will overlook my two X chromosomes! Will you not take my torment away and make me the happiest ugly-MTV-educated-western-super-feminist on earth?******

Love (love forever),

Your Future Wife (I live in hope)

[All credit for this post must go to my dear friends J. and A. (I need to start giving my friends better pseudonyms, or I’ll run out of letters…) Unlike me, J. actually had the guts (and the curiosity) to click through one of those obnoxious “Russian Women Very Attracted To Western Guys” type advertisements you find on questionable websites (yes, in fact, the block quote at the top is a direct quote. I am not making it up). J. then reported back to me and A. Hilarity ensued. Sadly this post is nowhere nears as funny and witty as they are, but I am but one (unmarried) woman, and my wits are sorely lacking]

* No offense to the toad. She/He/Zie is quite lovely.

**Yes, this is a direct quote. I did not make it up.

***Hey, coming up with a “V’ was really hard, okay? I looked through my “famous feminists” dictionary TWICE and then resorted to wikipedia before I gave up. Vixens and Virgins was the best I could come up with. Any other suggestions?

**** Seriously, this entire advertisement could be read as the premise of a horror movie. Young man brings home eastern bride who turns out to be an undying monster. She never ages, NEVER EVER LEAVES HIM (picture the woman’s teeth planted in the guy’s leg) and aggressively pursues him (with claws) when he tries to run away.

*****As the great Eowyn once said…

Eowyn Witch King I am no Man Lord of the Rings

“I am no man”

****** Funnily enough, my parents didn’t owned cable (and I don’t either), so I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen MTV.

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5 Comments on “To My Future Russian Bride”

  1. […] [To quote someone whose name I can't remember: The vote of the majority should never determine the rights of the minority]** But still. Obama endorsed gay marriage. He is the first American president to ever say that same-sex couples should enjoy the same rights as opposite-sex couples (great for me, since I may be able to marry the Russian bride of my dreams). […]

  2. […] A Letter to My future Russian Wife Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. Posted in Culture, Feminism, Idol, Rants, Social Justice and tagged American Idol, Christina Aguilera, Colton Dixon, Elise Testone, feminism, Hollie Cavanaugh, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Sanchez, Jimmy Iovine, Joshua Ledet, Phillip Phillips, rant, Sexism, Skylar Laine, The Voice […]

  3. There already is a horror movie that’s kind of like that. The woman doesn’t have any supernatural monster claws, and the man is just as Asian as she is, but…

    “You said you would love only me”

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